120523 Agnostic Advent: Myth #5: "It hurts you more than it hurts me."

I am the last person to believe in the practice of comparing pain.  I have been around enough pain to last more than one lifetime and comparing pain experiences benefits no one.  I have to remember that I was writing this list in the wee hours of the morning, but I remember the thought process behind Myth #5.  

This statement is closely related to the first myth: "I chose this."  If someone believes that you chose a direction in life, then it's not that easy to see their pain as a response to that direction change.  Maybe in this myth, I just want acknowledgement that this was not easy, but rather painful for me.  

This summer, on the night of the day that my sister died, my mother looked at me through tear-filled eyes and asked.  "How can you do this without Jesus."  I had no immediate response to her question.  My husband had to come to my aid for that one. "Mama… she's not lost, we just have a different label for it."  was how he tried soothing his mother-in-law.  My husband sees beyond the theological differences, because that never was his baggage.  He sees love as being the common ground that Mama and I have.  We just call it different things.  

What is painful about this journey? Loneliness, Abandonment, Shame, Judgement are a few things I've experienced as painful in the last few years.  Not being able to be myself in spaces with others is very hard to navigate.  How much of myself do I put out there now.  And when I restrict part of myself, it's hard to look at a friend, knowing that they don't know you now.  I feel very two-dimensional in those moments. 

Pain has taught me that often it is harder for the person watching, than the person experiencing.  The person experiencing has "control" or some kind of perception of control on their side, but the person watching or walking alongside, often feels helpless.  That is a great pain.  Again… not trying to compare pains, but given the choice, I would rather experience the pain in myself, than watch it in someone I love. 

The hardest pain is the chasm this puts between me and my loved ones.  Maybe my mother's greatest pain is that she can't share my pain.  She told me that it grieved her that she couldn't share it.  It was a precious moment.  We have shared so much pain  together and it has been healing to share space with her.  But how can she feel pain at the loss of Jesus when he is still very much alive for her and her greatest source of comfort in her own painful times?  I'm not a mother.  I don't know how painful it is for a mother to not be able to share space with your daughter.  I might be wrong about this one being a myth.   

(written December 5, 2023)