120323 Agnostic Advent: Myth #3: "I am still deconstructing."

"Your still deconstructing."  are words that came from a childhood friend, turned Lutheran pastor, when I sat in his office a year ago and unloaded on him that I was about to tell his mother that Jesus wasn't real to me anymore.  His mom has known me since I was a toddler and we are still quite close.  As much as I didn't want to hurt her with the news, I felt I needed to be honest with her.  But instead of dumping it on her first, I went to her first born son that is also her pastor. 

 I remember the energy of the whole conversation and was glad that he brought up the word "deconstruction", which to me meant that he was aware of and acknowledging that the process existed and was real.  He seemed close enough to the edge of his bubble to see that others were not staying inside with him, I guess.  

I told him that the two thousand year old narrative wasn't working for me anymore, but I don't remember going into much detail.   He even offered to pray with me and I told him I would.  After he was done, I told him. "I did that for you.".  It would be the last time I "prayed" with anyone. (I sat and gazed out the window, while he did all the praying)   I can't help but feel like he had hope that it was just something I was going through, that I was struggling and doubt was normal.   But I also felt a bit disingenuous with him.  There was something I wasn't telling him. 

This morning I had a thought came into my head.  I am done deconstructing.  It's over.  The building is down.  It has been down even before I went to see my friend.  I may still be in a constant learning process about what that building was made of as I walk through the rubble, but the building is down.  Now I get to clean up the rubble and turn it into a park.  I have no interest in putting up another building.  I just want something natural where I can enjoy the sun during the day and the stars at night.  

But what do I do when people walk by and ask me where the building went?  So far… not many are walking by and asking that question.  It may still look a bit dusty right now and needs more me time to get the flowers planted and the trees growing.   I do hope one day, I can invite others to the park and we can enjoy the outdoors together.  

(written December 3, 2023)