Why do Christians cry at funerals? If they really believe they will see their loved ones again “in eternity”, why is there pain now? Is it that their bodies know something their minds refuse to believe? It seems natural that we grieve our losses. We can’t tell ourselves not to hurt, we just do. That is nature. The idea that humans should not hurt because life will go on forever after we die… that is the story told because the pain of real loss is too much to bear.
(written May 24, 2023)
I don’t think you are interested in what really happened 2000 years ago. You are only invested in the religion and myths that your parents, and their parents passed down to you. That is what sustains you… not the real story of the man called Jesus. If the real story of Jesus was at all important, then there would be no fear of someone else’s differing opinions and discoveries. For the real story to matter, you have lay aside your need to be right about what was given you. Are you willing to do that?
(written May 21, 2023)
Maybe we need to spend less energy trying to forgive people for how we think they’ve sinned against us and spend more energy forgiving them for making choices that we don’t agree with.
The first indicates an assumed failure on the part of the other person with no ownership on our part, but the second frees them to be … free. Free to make choices that are different and sometimes very different than the choices we have made or would chose to make in their position.
Forgiveness isn’t judgment… forgiveness is letting go without the need for judgment
(Written June 14, 2023)
Agnostic: It’s a label that allows me to share space with people more dependant on the energy of passion than me. I can go along in life not needing answers to most everything. I will be okay not knowing. But there are those around me that that I love dearly that need passion and certainty to breathe. Love means I get to let them have their passion even through the things they are passionate make my head spin.
(written April 30, 2023)
What if life was better lived in two worlds. What if I didn't need to work so hard to out myself to everyone. What if all that mattered was being with people and sharing what we had in common. Maybe love will fill in the cracks on its own. Maybe what I have with them is enough. I'm not missing the few who really see inside the cracks that I don't think I am trying to hide. I'm just not outing myself like I have a platform to protect. I am not pretending. I don't join in with the meal prayers. I don't add the caveats to my letters or greetings the say "God bless you".
Sometimes, when the issue of death comes up, I will say something like "I'm going to get cremated and my ashes put in a river, so the water will carry me away." or " When my particles are out connecting with the universe." I make no references to an afterlife in "Heaven". Maybe it's obvious to others, but most just don't bring up the obvious. Maybe I can be whole like this.
I have tried outing myself to some precious few and it seems that heartache is all that I leave behind. I may well admire the public voices of like those of Richard Dawkins, Sam Harris, Bart Campolo and Bart Ehrman. But do I have to follow in their footsteps?
(Written June 29, 2023)
Is a physical expression of lament really necessary even for a Four (Enneagram). it seems so inauthentic. I still feel so far removed from the need for ritual.
Maybe my poetry is the closest thing I have to lamenting. But it is far from ritualistic. It is spontaneous.
I am still on a lonely journey. I long for a familiar embrace, but instead I am met with a strange face. Not the invitation I am looking for.
Are the only companions for me to be two-dimensional entities from an online community... or will there come a person who is okay with me. Oh how I wish I didn’t fear my friends and family.
(Written June 29, 2023)
It matters. It really matters. It matters that my words don’t matter to those who matter. I may be able to shrug it off when I am abruptly told that my words are not a food that my loved ones care to taste much less digest; but my heart and soul are put into my words; to have them ignored hurts. It is why I believe that I, as a person, don’t matter. It is why I get excited when a stranger is moved by my words. My value as a person hinges on my words.
All that said, how can I impose passion on anyone. A forced admiration is no more encouraging than being ignored.
I believe most of my words will stay wrapped up in their cocoon until the day I stop breathing. Maybe then and only them will they be heard and loved. Maybe only then will they fly.
(Written June 17, 2023)
Is it even possible to embrace others with their differences unless you let go of the certainty of your own?
How can I embrace something for me while being okay that it will never work for someone else?
Christianity is like vaccination. Maybe it’s okay that most of the world embraces the validity of it. But to enforce it on every human takes away not just the individual’s humanity, but it takes away our humanity as a whole.
Even if Christianity is the “Borg” of religions... there was still the story of Seven of Nine. There is still that one who can find her way back to being human... to be Anikka Hansen again.
It’s not until you dare look past the shell of your bubble will you be able to see the bubble for what it is. Something that is fragile enough to be burst.
(Written June 16, 2023)
Mythology worked well for our ancestors. It helped them give a story to the things that were beyond their knowledge understanding and comprehension. But as the unknown dares to be known through things like science, mathematics, psychology and archeology... mythology becomes unnecessary and unhelpful to give answers to the bigger questions. There is competition for the truth and mythology is losing ground.
(Written May 23, 2023)
I still can’t pray for rain
Fires all around me
Smoke in my eyes
Even if I must evacuate
Leave my home to the flames
I still can’t pray for rain
I can long for the life giving water
Hope that the skies open up
Wait for a rise in humidity
Look for the darker clouds
And dance for joy when the first drop comes
But I still can’t pray for rain
Is it because no one’s there to answer
Or someone’s there that doesn’t care
Or what”s there has no power to perform
Maybe all, maybe none
I really don’t know
All I have is what’s inside of me
To breathe and hope and wait
For the rain that comes when it comes
(Written May 20, 2023)
I have to figure out a way to be with my people. I have very few atheist or agnostic friends. Maybe a few more online, but my personal world is filled with God lovers who also still love me. If I can’t find community among them, all I have left is a life of loneliness. That would be a poor life.
So I am left to ask, what does that community look like? I don’t know.
I am a writer who needs friends and family more than fans.
Being loved matters more to me than being read.
(Written April 28, 2023)
Most humans don’t do diversity well. It seems like we need others to agree with us on most anything. We seek validation in every corner of our lives. From what we wear to what we eat to who we love and what we believe about the origin of the cosmos.
If something works well for me, is it necessary that it work for everyone else? Am I just a clone? A robot that requires programming? The question is not “Can I be different?” I am and know that already. The question is “Can I be different and still be loved and accepted.”
(Written April 27, 2023)
People don’t choose their narrative, it’s first chosen for them. If people could choose, why would anyone choose a bloody narrative that really doesn’t result in salvation, but in instead In condemnation, discrimination, vitriol and shame.
(Written April 13, 2023)
Love is experienced.
Love doesn’t need to be defined, it wants to be experienced.
Love doesn’t live in the definition, it lives in the experience.
Evidence isn’t required when Love Is experienced.
Great quotes come from great people but wisdom isn’t original to one person; it is universal.
The head wants answers;
The heart needs Love.
Love tolerates ritual but doesn’t require it.
Worship is a one way road;
Love is a grassy field with a variety of flowers.
Love loses something when it’s analyzed
Something is lost in the analysis of Love.
Love can't be taught.
You don’t teach someone to love;
You introduce them to someone to love.
Love helps you tolerate a lot of things;
Wisdom helps you understand when you’ve tolerated enough.
Love responds with the senses but is often hindered by them.
Love walks on four legs as much as it walks on two.
Love is like the morning light, slowly entering the room giving enough of itself to navigate the next step but leaving enough in the shadows to be discovered later.
(written April 12, 2023)
It is different. Sharing space with someone you never were or never hope to be is not the same as sharing space with someone you were. When I share space with someone I never was. It’s all about them and what they can teach me. When I try sharing space with someone I was... it feels like it’s all about me and everything I am trying to unlearn.
(Written March 30, 2023)
I used to think Christians had the monopoly on being nice, but that changed when I met nice atheists that understood that things like love, kindness and compassion are woven into the human DNA,,, and not a simply a command to be obeyed. Christians who figure that out and evolve beyond mere obedience have a better chance at actually experiencing the magnitude of a genuine response motivated only by Love.
(Written March 2, 2023)
You go into your box to find your God
Your God will be there
Because you built that box as a container
And then you fashioned your God to fit inside
When you are finished with your God
You leave the box and your God behind
Kept safe in the box until the next time you need
Your God
(Written October 15, 2022)
We as a human species need to be fed, clothed, sheltered and entertained. That all comes at a price, so then we need to find resources to meet that price.
We as a human species need love. That also comes at a price. So we need to find resources to meet that price.
We as a human species will die. Like everything else in life that has a price; so does death. The only difference: someone else pays it.
(written August 31, 2022)
Am I alive because I think of them or am I alive because I love them
And when my brain doesn’t allow me to think of them, can I still love them and continue to breathe
(written May 4, 2022)
The only problem with the ritual of Good Friday is that it is followed too quickly by the ritual of Easter Sunday. There is not enough time to mourn, to feel loss, to immerse oneself in the sadness. But it being a ritual, was mourning even possible.
(Written April 15, 2022)
I wonder how many people have to rethink eternal torture when it is someone they love that dies. The same people might have no problem condemning a stranger to hell for their unaligned beliefs. It’s not as easy to send your children there.
(Written March 22. 2022)
I don’t go to church as a practice.
I don’t read the bible as a practice.
I don’t pray in English and what I do I don’t call prayer.
Heaven, Hell and eternity are a myth to me.
I can surmise that most of the bible is fiction.
I have no confidence in a physical resurrection of Jesus of Nazareth
I understand the gospels are more fiction than fact... created stories around a legend.
Belief requires certainty in most religious expressions, not making it belief
There are too many inconsistencies in modern Christian expressions.
People get angry when their beliefs are challenged
In the words of Bart Campolo, Christianity has a bloody narrative.
I envision the creator of the Universe as an energy source, a Flow, not a
person. Imagining a person is to restricting for me... making "God" in my image.
I spend more time imagining than coming to conclusions
I may be hanging on with a thread by still embracing a creator but to let go I now have to come up with another explanation for the universe and that is more than my 53 year old brain is capable of. It would pummel me into another belief that doesn’t make sense and I can’t go there.
This is why the term agnostic might be all I have to label myself as. Because it comes down to three words. I don’t know
(Written February 16, 2022)
I don’t think we as human beings can ever stagnate in life. Life is a journey. Life is a continuous changing journey. But we can align ourselves with stagnated systems and therefore believe that we can stagnate as human beings. I just don’t think that’s reality though.
(Written February 10, 2022)
What if I am limiting the Creator by trying to figure it all out? Can I not be content with the unknown mixed with my imagination to pretty it up?
(Written February 8, 2022)
I shudder to think that the only way to experience the Creator of the Cosmos is through someone else’s story... be that story one day old or two to three thousand years old. If I can’t find the Creator in my own story... I will be lost.
(Written January 9, 2022)
I’m not asking that I matter to to you, I am just sad that I don’t.
You can’t ask someone to love you, any more than you can ask a cat to purr. you can only find a way to love them and then hope that your love will mean something to them eventually initiating a response of love in return.
(written January 3, 2022)
I grew up feeling redundant, unnecessary which lead to feeling unwanted. I was the second daughter of two girls. I remember feeling like I was supposed to be the boy. God had made a mistake in creating me a girl. My parents already had one.
I worshiped my sister. In my eyes she was perfect. But it wasn’t so much a realization that I wanted to be like her... I realized that I never could be her. I would never be the first. I felt I would never matter for who I was in my core; I had to be someone that she wasn’t. But my first early understanding was that she had everything. Brains, Athleticism and Music. Those were the big three that seemed to encompass everything that needed to matter. There was nothing left for me.
The icing on the cake. My sister had my parent’s trust. If I didn’t stand a chance at competing at the first three... I would “never” compete for the thing that mattered the most. Instead of trying to compete, I never entered the race. I didn’t try to earn my parents trust... maybe I did more to prevent it.
Some people saw from the outside and called it “living in my sister’s shadow”. If that was the case, one can’t grow on her own living in the shadow of anything. Maybe I never saw light that was there to help me grow. Maybe it explains my attraction to flowers as a kid and my disdain for mushrooms. Maybe I longed to be a wild flower, but I felt more like a mushroom. I remember mushrooms on the farm. But I don’t remember them as beautiful, the beautiful was only found in the flowers. And then I found more admiration for the wild flowers than the manicured garden of my grandmother. The wildflowers were accessible and abundant. I could pick them and put them on my Mom’s table. I got in trouble for picking flowers in my Oma’s garden.
Mushrooms had one purpose... to be eaten. Wild Flowers were beautiful and meant to be enjoyed and admired... not consumed. But in my family... I don’t remember eating mushrooms. So maybe that also helped solidify the feeling that I was unwanted. What I saw myself as, wasn’t valued at all.
I like mushrooms now. I am learning to find value in them. When my husband makes them they are tasty and he tells me they are healthy. My husband also told me that I mattered.
He finds value in mushrooms and me... that is good.
Now I think I will look for the beauty in mushrooms and maybe then I believe that I can find beauty in me.
Old name. Shadowed mushroom
New Name. Wild flower
(Written December 29, 2021)
Maybe I don’t need to die on the hill of authenticity, maybe the only person who needs to know the real me... is me. Maybe Love requires more of me than to expose my inner soul to the world. Maybe Love asks that I lay aside my longing to be fully known and understood for something greater. Maybe Love asks that I trust myself to something greater than just self knowledge and self awareness. Maybe Love isn’t interested in avoiding the discovery of the real me but taking me through that discovery and on the other side of that journey letting that me be the best me I can be for others. That just might be something I can do.
(written December 24, 2021)
I don’t blame humanity for fabricating and maintaining such a messy and divisive collection of religious expressions. Two thousand years is a long time to live past the story. How was anyone supposed to retain the authentic after so much time has passed. All we have left is our imagination.
(written December 13, 2021)
Ruby grew up trying to balance the Lutheran devotion of her parents while living in the Mennonite world of her grandparents and community.
It was cemented in her mind at a young age that religious labels were more important than family and community.
Her teen years were lonely as her workaholic parents embraced a life on the road investing their time and energy into the buildings of church and less into the family.
Boarding school came with mixed emotions and a hard lesson in growing up.
It wasn’t until her second year of college that Ruby dared to attend a Baptist church. That was the beginning of the end of her need to follow in her parents religious footsteps.
The following years would find Ruby investing thirteen years in the Pentecostal church, which would be her last commitment to big church
A brief foray into house church was disappointing when she left to journey alone in her father's cancer and death. That was the last straw.
Ruby found the new freedom to find her own journey with God in a new marriage. The institutions weren’t defining her faith... but eventually even that would unravel with the catalyst of the death of her nephew.
Ruby consoled herself in reading. Book after book pealed off another layer of her belief. Her confidence in the book that was supposed to be her guide dissolved and she was left with only two things to find her way and understanding to “that which gave her breath”... Love as she was experiencing it and The Natural world around her.
She had hoped that she could build another foundation of faith in those two building blocks. But as the years passed they became the foundation. Love and Nature and her Poetic approach to the world around her would be her guiding star.
Today, Ruby is content to call herself Agnostic in her understanding of the Cosmos and Atheistic towards the engendered, controlling "God" of her past.
Ruby holds no animosity towards those who need a religious framework to navigate the world. Her desire is to understand and support whatever it takes for people to “get through the night”.
Loving her husband, her cats, her mother and the rest of her family and friends is what gives Ruby energy and joy. She finally feels at peace with the unknown and at rest with the journey she is on. Love is the energy and Joy and Hope is in the journey.
(written May 23, 2022)
