123123 My Philosophy for the End of the Year

"I wish you love, joy, hope and peace as you enter 2024" (CM) 

Here’s to a better year than this one. Isn’t that what Hope is?  That the next year can improve on the next.  

As for peace.  Peace is found when I dwell in the moment.  Peace, for me,  isn’t in missing the past, or wondering and stressing about the future.  I find peace in the moment when the past and future don’t intrude in my thoughts.  

Joy… Maybe Joy is a gathering of all three… past present and future.  Maybe Joy is about embracing life for everything it has taught me and given me and could yet give me.   Joy is being alive for a blip in time in a universe that doesn’t know I breathe, but yet sustains my very existence.  And all three are wrapped in Love.  I am honoured to Love and be Loved in this short vacation from non-existence.  Love is everything.  It is my breath and my energy to keep breathing.  

There is my philosophy for the last day of the year.

(written December 31, 2023)  

122423 Agnostic Advent: Myth #24: "I have the truth or I am certain I am right."

"Truth is the end of the conversation; truth is the conclusion to the journey." (Ruby Neumann)

* * * 

As much as I admire people's search for ultimate truth, it's not my journey.  I am not the ambassador for finding the "right" way up life's mountain.  That doesn't mean that I prefer dishonesty, deception or delusion... I don't.  I am an Enneagram Four and us Fours love our authenticity.  But as a social Four wing Five, I love something more than my authenticity.  I love my people.  

It is a constant struggle to balance my need for authenticity and my desire to dwell in harmony and love with the people in my life.  I am not saying that I am right how I navigate this struggle.  I don't know if I am right. That is the whole conundrum.  

I had a version of this bible verse go through my head this morning.  

"And if I have prophetic powers and understand all mysteries and all knowledge and if I have all faith so as to remove mountains but do not have love, I am nothing." 1 Cor 13:2  (NRSVUE) 

My concise version of this… "What good is knowing everything and loving nothing." 

Maybe truth matters, but at what cost.  

My favourite Christmas movie is "Miracle on 34th Street" (The second one where Richard Attenborough is Santa).  My favourite line is from Bryan when he is addressing the courtroom in his closing argument.  

"If this court finds that Mr. Kringle is not who he says he is, that there is no Santa, I ask the court to judge which is worse: A lie that draws a smile or a truth that draws a tear."

I don't think even Bryan Bedford has a conclusion to that question.  Which is better?  The answer hangs in the air for most people, especially me.  

It is one thing to sit in one's office and deduce that the world needs to be set straight about the facts of life. It's quite another thing to look in someone's eyes and tell them that everything they hold dear is a myth or a lie.  

I started this post out with a thought I had this morning.  Truth is the end.   Love, however, is in the process and in the journey.  

Back to 1 Corinthians 13 for the conclusion… 

(Wow... here I am quoting the bible for Agnostic Advent! But there is still some good stuff in there...) 

"… AND THE GREATEST OF THESE IS LOVE" 

(written December 24, 2023) 

122323 Agnostic Advent: Myth #23: "I don't value my past in Christianity."

One of my favourite Youtube channels is called "Growing up in Polygamy".  Sam and his wife Melissa are the hosts.  Sam grew up in the FLDS under the leadership of Warren Jeffs.  When asked if he could change his past, Sam said he wouldn't.  He said that his past made him who he was today.  He didn't want his own children to grow up the way he did, but he wasn't going to wish his past away either.  

When I look back at my past, I can't wish it away either.  There are some amazing people I now call friends that I would never have met had I not been raised in the Christian culture I was raised in.  Thinking about those positive experiences, maybe some of them could have happened had I not been exposed to the Christian culture, but they did happen in that culture and I am thankful for them.  

Going forward, I wouldn't encourage the next generation to follow in my past footsteps.  If someone asked me if they had to go to church to have a fulfilled life, I would have to say a definite "No!".  Christianity and the clubs that come with it had some positive influence in my life, but I can't forget the damaging narrative that it came with.  I can't forget the shame that the whole system is built on.  I can't un-know the things I know now about the source of the story.  But all that being said, I am still thankful for the people and some of the experiences I had.  My time in Christianity taught the value of community through good and bad times.  It taught me some very human lessons that, like Sam, made me who I am today.  

(written December 23, 2023) 

122223 Agnostic Advent: Myth #22: "I lost all belief at once ( Jesus, Creator, Afterlife. Divine intervention, prayer)."

Losing my Christianity started with the loss of the idea that Christianity was about community.  I learned early on in life that Christianity was all about the label on the marquis sign out front.  After that, the slide was slow, but as I look back, there were a lot of disappointments swirling around in my head.  My parents were definitely more interested in church than I was, but because they were feeding me and keeping a roof over my head, I went where they went. 

When the beliefs started to go, I noticed most of them more in the rear view mirror as carnage than I noticed them crashing into my front bumper.  

Afterlife:  I don't remember when I let go of Heaven and Hell.  I did remember asking some friends once a few years back if they believed Heaven was an actual real place. Maybe that was the turning point.  Maybe Heaven was more of a metaphor at that time.  But for sure, letting go of eternal torment meant that I got to let of eternal bliss.  Both had their baggage, and looking back, I don't really think I focused hard on either one in my life.  I think Earth held enough magnificence for me that I didn't need to wish it away for an afterlife.  

Prayer: The first thing to go was my need to drop coins in a "Divine vending machine".  I stopped asking "God" for stuff.  Then I remember praying in English was next to go.  I still prayed in "tongues" and was happy with that for a while.  I felt myself connecting with Creator without needing words.  I had already let go of the need to ask for stuff from "God", but I still wanted to connect somehow. Now I sometimes talk to my dead family members, or the moon and stars and find just as much peace in that as I ever did with praying to "Jesus" or "God".  Maybe it was about my need to voice my thoughts and concerns, more than it was about who I was voicing them too.  

Divine Intervention: I think that died when Dad died or when my nephew Ben died, not sure.  But maybe it was already not as real for me as my religious environment would have liked.  I had hope that "God" would intervene, and then when things happened, I gave "God" the credit, like a good Christian does.  Family deaths (in my case,  cancer and auto accidents)  had a way of reminding me that I was not in control, and increased the level of doubt that a benevolent "God" was there to make the pain go away.  It became easier to just attribute the nature of the deaths to the person and circumstances involved. 

Jesus: I officially buried Jesus on Good Friday in 2022.  But the day I discovered he was already dead and that I didn't believe in the actual Resurrection… that day I don't know. I know that Easter lost it's magic for me years ago.   

Burying Jesus was a result of walking through "Atheism for Lent" and listening to voices from people that were also dead.  I didn't know then that I would probably leave "Jesus" buried, I just knew I needed to leave him in the ground for more than two days.  I understood the need to grieve the loss of someone I was told, and maybe even really believed,  had been alive for me for most of my life.  My need to find connection to Creator in my own timeline was the overwhelming evidence that holding on to a 2000 year old Jewish man was no longer necessary.  

Creator:  This one has been more redefined, than let go of.  I'll be as honest as I can.  I don't doubt that some of the reason for hanging on to the language of "Creator" has some to do with my family.  Letting go of Jesus was heartbreaking for my Mother, but my husband told her that "We just have a different label."  My husband has a connection to "Creator" without Jesus or the 2000 year old narrative.  I admire that.  It was never possible in the circles I travelled for so many decades.  "God" always required church.  But my husband has something I still see as special.  I don't know if I always track with him on the details, but I like his simple trust.  

I am as far away from understanding the Cosmos from a scientific perspective as I am from embracing it from a theological perspective.  Both are things that require belief for me.  I may like the science stories better now, but they are still stories and I have no soap box I can stand on to convince myself or anyone else what really is "Truth".  I did go into more detail on December 9th blog post that "No Jesus means No Creator".  

* * * 

I hear this journey described as "the death of a thousand cuts".  I can understand that.  I also understand that words are inadequate to paint the whole picture of this journey, so please don't hold me to the whole of who I am, based on how I try to describe me and my journey in English words.  

(written December 22, 2023) 

122123 Agnostic Advent Myth # 21: "No Jesus, No Hope"

Between Edmonton and Calgary (Alberta, Canada) is a four lane divided stretch of asphalt that we call the QE2,  (Named after Queen Elizabeth ll).  On the way to Calgary about sixteen kilometers before getting to the town of Lacombe, there is a small but very visible two sided V-shaped sign posted in a field beside the highway.  

For a while it read:

"KNOW JESUS, KNOW HOPE

NO JESUS, NO HOPE"

On the back side of the sign read "CHRIST CAME AND WILL COME AGAIN."  (It's all in capitals on the sign… not that I wanted to emphasize it here. )

I say read, as in past tense, because this month, the landowner changed it.  The new message reads… 

'THERE IS NO CHRISTMAS WITHOUT CHRIST." 

And on the back side, 

"MERRY CHRISTMAS, JESUS CHRIST CAME FOR YOU." 

The sign isn't a big billboard. I've see those around Alberta from time to time, but mostly in rural settings.  So I figure a lot of drivers on the QE2 don't even know it's there.  Still, it pisses me off.  What right does this this landowner have to advertise that people are hopeless without his personal faith expression?  I can surmise that the person responsible for the sign has a certain kind of Jesus in mind that is the "Giver of all Hope" or that defines December 25th. "No Jesus, No Hope"?  He or she couldn't be more wrong.  

Hope is intrinsic to the human experience.  It is our ability to see beyond our current circumstances to something beyond the moment.  Nothing about hope needs anything but the human being that hope dwells in. 

* * * 

Let's look at what the Greeks had to say about hope.  I like the story about Pandora.  She was the first woman.  She was given a gift from Zeus: a jar but that she was told not to open.  Zeus wasn't originally in favour of her existence.  I would think the plethora of female gods that he shared Olympian space with were enough for him to handle. But after Prometheus brought fire to the humans (men)… Pandora was created to wreak havoc on humanity. 

The jar (commonly called a box) that he gave Pandora held all the evil of the world.  Pandora's curiosity eventually got the better of her.  She opened her gift and out screamed its horried contents.  Pandora in a panic shut the lid, and only one of the contents was trapped.  Her name was "Hope".  Pandora was able to hang on to "Hope". 

I like that story.  It's so human.  It's why I like the Greek myths.  It's so obvious that they were stories written by humans painting a very human picture… even among the gods that were created in the stories.  I like it... because their story tells me that "Hope" is not going anywhere.  "Hope" isn't restricted to a certain belief or mental assent to a set of creeds.  Hope came at the beginning of humanity and stays with humanity.  I am not hopeless.  

Thank you Pandora, for closing the lid on that box when you did… Hope is one of the greatest treasures… especially with all the calamity out in the world.  

(written December 21, 2023) 

PS... I had a winter solstice party tonight... 

Time: 8:27 pm 

Location: the hot tub on my deck

Guests: The moon, Venus, the stars (including Cassiopeia) 

Activity:  sharing secrets with the moon, and thinking about my bucket list.  

122023 Agnostic Advent Myth# 20: "I am overthinking it."

When I composed this list, I wanted to add this statement, because I am quite often accused of over thinking.  More times than not, it isn't because my brain is doing backflips and needs a rest; it's because whoever is listening to me rant is exhausted listening to me.  Sometimes I feel like it's an easy out for people who don't want to help me process a problem. Maybe the comment "You're overthinking it." is supposed to stop the flow of anxiety that pours out when an answer or conclusion isn't readily available.  

I would hope that "overthinking" isn't totally a bad thing.  I was brought up in a culture and religious system that didn't encourage the thinking process.  So sometimes, one might just be doing some thinking on something that was supposed to be just accepted on "faith". Then the accusation comes… "You're are overthinking it."  

Maybe, I like to think a lot about something.  After all, it's my brain doing the backflips.  I feel like I have a lot to catch up on.  I need to think and think again about things like my purpose on Earth, or Earth's purpose in the Cosmos, or even the purpose of the Cosmos in general.  How can I over think on a subject so big to start with.  The Cosmos is big.  I would think it takes a lot of thought to even start to process.

On my Dec 16th post, I shared an email from an old friend that lives about an eight hour drive from me.  I decided today on just replying back with the first two lines and leave my rant about the afterlife out.  That was because of another letter I got today that was a lot more pointy… and this time… the sender is from across the pond.  This time, the distance is about 7500 km.  It's more than an eight hour flight this time to help them with their upset apple cart... If I so choose to out myself to them.    I had the same thought… this time,  it won't take four days to think about it.  

Here's the letter  

"Dear Ruby and family

Again, my heartfelt condolences!   Thanks for arranging to talk to your mom.  Yet time keeps moving on.  Advent, a time of waiting for what?  Jesus, of course.  What else?  

We wish you a meaningful blessed Christmas time!  He is alive! Even though so often we do not understand His ways.  But one thing I know; I will never be alone.  May our Lord be with you and give you His peace.  K & E"

Don't get me started.  What else?  They asked… but are they really interested in an alternative?  Probably not.  

It's moments like this when I wonder if I need to start renovating my "Closet" so I will be more comfortable in there for the long haul.  I don't have the energy to out myself to the world… just yet.  But I will keep thinking about it!  

(written December 20, 2023) 

121923 Agnostic Advent: Myth #19 "I didn't read the Bible right."

Oh boy… where do I start with this one? Maybe it's not a myth.  Maybe I didn't read it "right"… if "right" means reading it in a way to bypass all the issues instead of seeing it as a book of a lot of ancient, outdated, irrelevant, creative writing. 

My relationship with the Bible comes with a lot of baggage. Let’s start with some history.

* * * 

- I grew up in a Lutheran home, but at home when I was growing up, the Bible didn’t seem central to our life. It wasn’t until my parents retired that I saw them incorporate daily bible reading into their life.

- I was given a bibles from my parents, but no guidance as to what to do with them. That seemed the job of the Sunday School teachers.

- Mom got me the Picture Bible when I was a teen. Years later she commented that she gave it to me because she noticed that I didn’t like reading the Bible so she got me on with pictures. I guess she figured pictures would get me interested. Maybe what I really needed back then was to see them read it.  

- The Picture Bible, though fun to read itself, didn’t endear me to reading the Bible without pictures.

- The Bibles I had been given as a youth had been the paraphrased Living Bible. 

- After high school, I went to Bible School, but not for the reason of studying the Bible.  I had wanted to go right to college… but my two choices would also include either one of two guys I had already spend three years of high school with.  I chose a third option: Bible School. 

- I spent the first four months at Bible School with my Living Bible paraphrase. I experienced the same feeling of being shunned as I did in Grade One when I showed up to school with brown bread sandwiches. I did get a NIV study bible for Christmas, but the damage was already done.  

- Bible school was social-focused not study-focused. Like grade school and high school, I wasn’t excited about most of the material. I just survived the academic part.

- I quit Bible School during my second year due to a relationship conflict.

- Frank Peretti did more to draw me into the passion of reading big books than the Bible ever did. 

- I memorized most of the book of Matthew in my thirties. I quit around chapter 25. (yes, I even had the genealogy memorized… boy did that impress my family!) 

- It wasn’t until I read authors like Pete Enns, Rob Bell, Rachel Held Evans and eventually Bart Ehrman who wrote books ABOUT the Bible that it even became something worth learning about for me. But I stopped at the author's books; I didn't pick up The Book. 

- I have signed up for all of Bart Ehrman’s online courses and also enjoy listening  to his podcast “Misquoting Jesus”.

- I am currently enjoying the Secular Bible Study that Brandon from the "Mindshift" podcast is doing.

- My favourite Bible is one I can’t read. It’s my Dad’s German Bible that he got from his dad, My Opa.

- I did read the entire Bible. I only know that, because I highlighted the books I read in my study Bible and eventually I highlighted them all.

-Job was the first book that I embraced as a story instead of factual history. Thanks to Pete Enns and Bart Ehrman… it was a landslide after that.  

- I started out reading the Living Bible.. moved through the NIV… even got a Greek New Testament that I still have, with the hopes of learning Greek one day, but that didn't happen. In my twenties and thirties, I collected translations, one for every time I had a lull in my bible reading enthusiasm level.  At the tail end of my bible reading, I used the Message. I almost got back to reading with the publication of the "First Nations Version" of the New Testament. I bought three copies, but I gave them away.  

- As it stands right now, I still don't want to pick up a Bible and read it. There is still too much baggage. But I still enjoy Post Christians enlightening me on the literature value and stories.

* * *

There you have it.. the synopsis of my relationship with the Bible.  Did I read it wrong?  Bart Ehrman has more passion for the Bible as an atheist, than I ever did as a Christian.  I think my issues in life always had to do with relevance.  When I needed to connect with God, I needed it to be relevant to my life.  I was saddled with a old story that lacked relevance.  It was more of a burden than a help.  I don't really know how one reads the bible "right" so they don't lose their faith.  That must take a special kind of glasses.  

(written December 19, 2023) 

(my apologies.. this one got a little long...)