123123 My Philosophy for the End of the Year

"I wish you love, joy, hope and peace as you enter 2024" (CM) 

Here’s to a better year than this one. Isn’t that what Hope is?  That the next year can improve on the next.  

As for peace.  Peace is found when I dwell in the moment.  Peace, for me,  isn’t in missing the past, or wondering and stressing about the future.  I find peace in the moment when the past and future don’t intrude in my thoughts.  

Joy… Maybe Joy is a gathering of all three… past present and future.  Maybe Joy is about embracing life for everything it has taught me and given me and could yet give me.   Joy is being alive for a blip in time in a universe that doesn’t know I breathe, but yet sustains my very existence.  And all three are wrapped in Love.  I am honoured to Love and be Loved in this short vacation from non-existence.  Love is everything.  It is my breath and my energy to keep breathing.  

There is my philosophy for the last day of the year.

(written December 31, 2023)  

122423 Agnostic Advent: Myth #24: "I have the truth or I am certain I am right."

"Truth is the end of the conversation; truth is the conclusion to the journey." (Ruby Neumann)

* * * 

As much as I admire people's search for ultimate truth, it's not my journey.  I am not the ambassador for finding the "right" way up life's mountain.  That doesn't mean that I prefer dishonesty, deception or delusion... I don't.  I am an Enneagram Four and us Fours love our authenticity.  But as a social Four wing Five, I love something more than my authenticity.  I love my people.  

It is a constant struggle to balance my need for authenticity and my desire to dwell in harmony and love with the people in my life.  I am not saying that I am right how I navigate this struggle.  I don't know if I am right. That is the whole conundrum.  

I had a version of this bible verse go through my head this morning.  

"And if I have prophetic powers and understand all mysteries and all knowledge and if I have all faith so as to remove mountains but do not have love, I am nothing." 1 Cor 13:2  (NRSVUE) 

My concise version of this… "What good is knowing everything and loving nothing." 

Maybe truth matters, but at what cost.  

My favourite Christmas movie is "Miracle on 34th Street" (The second one where Richard Attenborough is Santa).  My favourite line is from Bryan when he is addressing the courtroom in his closing argument.  

"If this court finds that Mr. Kringle is not who he says he is, that there is no Santa, I ask the court to judge which is worse: A lie that draws a smile or a truth that draws a tear."

I don't think even Bryan Bedford has a conclusion to that question.  Which is better?  The answer hangs in the air for most people, especially me.  

It is one thing to sit in one's office and deduce that the world needs to be set straight about the facts of life. It's quite another thing to look in someone's eyes and tell them that everything they hold dear is a myth or a lie.  

I started this post out with a thought I had this morning.  Truth is the end.   Love, however, is in the process and in the journey.  

Back to 1 Corinthians 13 for the conclusion… 

(Wow... here I am quoting the bible for Agnostic Advent! But there is still some good stuff in there...) 

"… AND THE GREATEST OF THESE IS LOVE" 

(written December 24, 2023) 

122323 Agnostic Advent: Myth #23: "I don't value my past in Christianity."

One of my favourite Youtube channels is called "Growing up in Polygamy".  Sam and his wife Melissa are the hosts.  Sam grew up in the FLDS under the leadership of Warren Jeffs.  When asked if he could change his past, Sam said he wouldn't.  He said that his past made him who he was today.  He didn't want his own children to grow up the way he did, but he wasn't going to wish his past away either.  

When I look back at my past, I can't wish it away either.  There are some amazing people I now call friends that I would never have met had I not been raised in the Christian culture I was raised in.  Thinking about those positive experiences, maybe some of them could have happened had I not been exposed to the Christian culture, but they did happen in that culture and I am thankful for them.  

Going forward, I wouldn't encourage the next generation to follow in my past footsteps.  If someone asked me if they had to go to church to have a fulfilled life, I would have to say a definite "No!".  Christianity and the clubs that come with it had some positive influence in my life, but I can't forget the damaging narrative that it came with.  I can't forget the shame that the whole system is built on.  I can't un-know the things I know now about the source of the story.  But all that being said, I am still thankful for the people and some of the experiences I had.  My time in Christianity taught the value of community through good and bad times.  It taught me some very human lessons that, like Sam, made me who I am today.  

(written December 23, 2023) 

122223 Agnostic Advent: Myth #22: "I lost all belief at once ( Jesus, Creator, Afterlife. Divine intervention, prayer)."

Losing my Christianity started with the loss of the idea that Christianity was about community.  I learned early on in life that Christianity was all about the label on the marquis sign out front.  After that, the slide was slow, but as I look back, there were a lot of disappointments swirling around in my head.  My parents were definitely more interested in church than I was, but because they were feeding me and keeping a roof over my head, I went where they went. 

When the beliefs started to go, I noticed most of them more in the rear view mirror as carnage than I noticed them crashing into my front bumper.  

Afterlife:  I don't remember when I let go of Heaven and Hell.  I did remember asking some friends once a few years back if they believed Heaven was an actual real place. Maybe that was the turning point.  Maybe Heaven was more of a metaphor at that time.  But for sure, letting go of eternal torment meant that I got to let of eternal bliss.  Both had their baggage, and looking back, I don't really think I focused hard on either one in my life.  I think Earth held enough magnificence for me that I didn't need to wish it away for an afterlife.  

Prayer: The first thing to go was my need to drop coins in a "Divine vending machine".  I stopped asking "God" for stuff.  Then I remember praying in English was next to go.  I still prayed in "tongues" and was happy with that for a while.  I felt myself connecting with Creator without needing words.  I had already let go of the need to ask for stuff from "God", but I still wanted to connect somehow. Now I sometimes talk to my dead family members, or the moon and stars and find just as much peace in that as I ever did with praying to "Jesus" or "God".  Maybe it was about my need to voice my thoughts and concerns, more than it was about who I was voicing them too.  

Divine Intervention: I think that died when Dad died or when my nephew Ben died, not sure.  But maybe it was already not as real for me as my religious environment would have liked.  I had hope that "God" would intervene, and then when things happened, I gave "God" the credit, like a good Christian does.  Family deaths (in my case,  cancer and auto accidents)  had a way of reminding me that I was not in control, and increased the level of doubt that a benevolent "God" was there to make the pain go away.  It became easier to just attribute the nature of the deaths to the person and circumstances involved. 

Jesus: I officially buried Jesus on Good Friday in 2022.  But the day I discovered he was already dead and that I didn't believe in the actual Resurrection… that day I don't know. I know that Easter lost it's magic for me years ago.   

Burying Jesus was a result of walking through "Atheism for Lent" and listening to voices from people that were also dead.  I didn't know then that I would probably leave "Jesus" buried, I just knew I needed to leave him in the ground for more than two days.  I understood the need to grieve the loss of someone I was told, and maybe even really believed,  had been alive for me for most of my life.  My need to find connection to Creator in my own timeline was the overwhelming evidence that holding on to a 2000 year old Jewish man was no longer necessary.  

Creator:  This one has been more redefined, than let go of.  I'll be as honest as I can.  I don't doubt that some of the reason for hanging on to the language of "Creator" has some to do with my family.  Letting go of Jesus was heartbreaking for my Mother, but my husband told her that "We just have a different label."  My husband has a connection to "Creator" without Jesus or the 2000 year old narrative.  I admire that.  It was never possible in the circles I travelled for so many decades.  "God" always required church.  But my husband has something I still see as special.  I don't know if I always track with him on the details, but I like his simple trust.  

I am as far away from understanding the Cosmos from a scientific perspective as I am from embracing it from a theological perspective.  Both are things that require belief for me.  I may like the science stories better now, but they are still stories and I have no soap box I can stand on to convince myself or anyone else what really is "Truth".  I did go into more detail on December 9th blog post that "No Jesus means No Creator".  

* * * 

I hear this journey described as "the death of a thousand cuts".  I can understand that.  I also understand that words are inadequate to paint the whole picture of this journey, so please don't hold me to the whole of who I am, based on how I try to describe me and my journey in English words.  

(written December 22, 2023) 

122123 Agnostic Advent Myth # 21: "No Jesus, No Hope"

Between Edmonton and Calgary (Alberta, Canada) is a four lane divided stretch of asphalt that we call the QE2,  (Named after Queen Elizabeth ll).  On the way to Calgary about sixteen kilometers before getting to the town of Lacombe, there is a small but very visible two sided V-shaped sign posted in a field beside the highway.  

For a while it read:

"KNOW JESUS, KNOW HOPE

NO JESUS, NO HOPE"

On the back side of the sign read "CHRIST CAME AND WILL COME AGAIN."  (It's all in capitals on the sign… not that I wanted to emphasize it here. )

I say read, as in past tense, because this month, the landowner changed it.  The new message reads… 

'THERE IS NO CHRISTMAS WITHOUT CHRIST." 

And on the back side, 

"MERRY CHRISTMAS, JESUS CHRIST CAME FOR YOU." 

The sign isn't a big billboard. I've see those around Alberta from time to time, but mostly in rural settings.  So I figure a lot of drivers on the QE2 don't even know it's there.  Still, it pisses me off.  What right does this this landowner have to advertise that people are hopeless without his personal faith expression?  I can surmise that the person responsible for the sign has a certain kind of Jesus in mind that is the "Giver of all Hope" or that defines December 25th. "No Jesus, No Hope"?  He or she couldn't be more wrong.  

Hope is intrinsic to the human experience.  It is our ability to see beyond our current circumstances to something beyond the moment.  Nothing about hope needs anything but the human being that hope dwells in. 

* * * 

Let's look at what the Greeks had to say about hope.  I like the story about Pandora.  She was the first woman.  She was given a gift from Zeus: a jar but that she was told not to open.  Zeus wasn't originally in favour of her existence.  I would think the plethora of female gods that he shared Olympian space with were enough for him to handle. But after Prometheus brought fire to the humans (men)… Pandora was created to wreak havoc on humanity. 

The jar (commonly called a box) that he gave Pandora held all the evil of the world.  Pandora's curiosity eventually got the better of her.  She opened her gift and out screamed its horried contents.  Pandora in a panic shut the lid, and only one of the contents was trapped.  Her name was "Hope".  Pandora was able to hang on to "Hope". 

I like that story.  It's so human.  It's why I like the Greek myths.  It's so obvious that they were stories written by humans painting a very human picture… even among the gods that were created in the stories.  I like it... because their story tells me that "Hope" is not going anywhere.  "Hope" isn't restricted to a certain belief or mental assent to a set of creeds.  Hope came at the beginning of humanity and stays with humanity.  I am not hopeless.  

Thank you Pandora, for closing the lid on that box when you did… Hope is one of the greatest treasures… especially with all the calamity out in the world.  

(written December 21, 2023) 

PS... I had a winter solstice party tonight... 

Time: 8:27 pm 

Location: the hot tub on my deck

Guests: The moon, Venus, the stars (including Cassiopeia) 

Activity:  sharing secrets with the moon, and thinking about my bucket list.  

122023 Agnostic Advent Myth# 20: "I am overthinking it."

When I composed this list, I wanted to add this statement, because I am quite often accused of over thinking.  More times than not, it isn't because my brain is doing backflips and needs a rest; it's because whoever is listening to me rant is exhausted listening to me.  Sometimes I feel like it's an easy out for people who don't want to help me process a problem. Maybe the comment "You're overthinking it." is supposed to stop the flow of anxiety that pours out when an answer or conclusion isn't readily available.  

I would hope that "overthinking" isn't totally a bad thing.  I was brought up in a culture and religious system that didn't encourage the thinking process.  So sometimes, one might just be doing some thinking on something that was supposed to be just accepted on "faith". Then the accusation comes… "You're are overthinking it."  

Maybe, I like to think a lot about something.  After all, it's my brain doing the backflips.  I feel like I have a lot to catch up on.  I need to think and think again about things like my purpose on Earth, or Earth's purpose in the Cosmos, or even the purpose of the Cosmos in general.  How can I over think on a subject so big to start with.  The Cosmos is big.  I would think it takes a lot of thought to even start to process.

On my Dec 16th post, I shared an email from an old friend that lives about an eight hour drive from me.  I decided today on just replying back with the first two lines and leave my rant about the afterlife out.  That was because of another letter I got today that was a lot more pointy… and this time… the sender is from across the pond.  This time, the distance is about 7500 km.  It's more than an eight hour flight this time to help them with their upset apple cart... If I so choose to out myself to them.    I had the same thought… this time,  it won't take four days to think about it.  

Here's the letter  

"Dear Ruby and family

Again, my heartfelt condolences!   Thanks for arranging to talk to your mom.  Yet time keeps moving on.  Advent, a time of waiting for what?  Jesus, of course.  What else?  

We wish you a meaningful blessed Christmas time!  He is alive! Even though so often we do not understand His ways.  But one thing I know; I will never be alone.  May our Lord be with you and give you His peace.  K & E"

Don't get me started.  What else?  They asked… but are they really interested in an alternative?  Probably not.  

It's moments like this when I wonder if I need to start renovating my "Closet" so I will be more comfortable in there for the long haul.  I don't have the energy to out myself to the world… just yet.  But I will keep thinking about it!  

(written December 20, 2023) 

121923 Agnostic Advent: Myth #19 "I didn't read the Bible right."

Oh boy… where do I start with this one? Maybe it's not a myth.  Maybe I didn't read it "right"… if "right" means reading it in a way to bypass all the issues instead of seeing it as a book of a lot of ancient, outdated, irrelevant, creative writing. 

My relationship with the Bible comes with a lot of baggage. Let’s start with some history.

* * * 

- I grew up in a Lutheran home, but at home when I was growing up, the Bible didn’t seem central to our life. It wasn’t until my parents retired that I saw them incorporate daily bible reading into their life.

- I was given a bibles from my parents, but no guidance as to what to do with them. That seemed the job of the Sunday School teachers.

- Mom got me the Picture Bible when I was a teen. Years later she commented that she gave it to me because she noticed that I didn’t like reading the Bible so she got me on with pictures. I guess she figured pictures would get me interested. Maybe what I really needed back then was to see them read it.  

- The Picture Bible, though fun to read itself, didn’t endear me to reading the Bible without pictures.

- The Bibles I had been given as a youth had been the paraphrased Living Bible. 

- After high school, I went to Bible School, but not for the reason of studying the Bible.  I had wanted to go right to college… but my two choices would also include either one of two guys I had already spend three years of high school with.  I chose a third option: Bible School. 

- I spent the first four months at Bible School with my Living Bible paraphrase. I experienced the same feeling of being shunned as I did in Grade One when I showed up to school with brown bread sandwiches. I did get a NIV study bible for Christmas, but the damage was already done.  

- Bible school was social-focused not study-focused. Like grade school and high school, I wasn’t excited about most of the material. I just survived the academic part.

- I quit Bible School during my second year due to a relationship conflict.

- Frank Peretti did more to draw me into the passion of reading big books than the Bible ever did. 

- I memorized most of the book of Matthew in my thirties. I quit around chapter 25. (yes, I even had the genealogy memorized… boy did that impress my family!) 

- It wasn’t until I read authors like Pete Enns, Rob Bell, Rachel Held Evans and eventually Bart Ehrman who wrote books ABOUT the Bible that it even became something worth learning about for me. But I stopped at the author's books; I didn't pick up The Book. 

- I have signed up for all of Bart Ehrman’s online courses and also enjoy listening  to his podcast “Misquoting Jesus”.

- I am currently enjoying the Secular Bible Study that Brandon from the "Mindshift" podcast is doing.

- My favourite Bible is one I can’t read. It’s my Dad’s German Bible that he got from his dad, My Opa.

- I did read the entire Bible. I only know that, because I highlighted the books I read in my study Bible and eventually I highlighted them all.

-Job was the first book that I embraced as a story instead of factual history. Thanks to Pete Enns and Bart Ehrman… it was a landslide after that.  

- I started out reading the Living Bible.. moved through the NIV… even got a Greek New Testament that I still have, with the hopes of learning Greek one day, but that didn't happen. In my twenties and thirties, I collected translations, one for every time I had a lull in my bible reading enthusiasm level.  At the tail end of my bible reading, I used the Message. I almost got back to reading with the publication of the "First Nations Version" of the New Testament. I bought three copies, but I gave them away.  

- As it stands right now, I still don't want to pick up a Bible and read it. There is still too much baggage. But I still enjoy Post Christians enlightening me on the literature value and stories.

* * *

There you have it.. the synopsis of my relationship with the Bible.  Did I read it wrong?  Bart Ehrman has more passion for the Bible as an atheist, than I ever did as a Christian.  I think my issues in life always had to do with relevance.  When I needed to connect with God, I needed it to be relevant to my life.  I was saddled with a old story that lacked relevance.  It was more of a burden than a help.  I don't really know how one reads the bible "right" so they don't lose their faith.  That must take a special kind of glasses.  

(written December 19, 2023) 

(my apologies.. this one got a little long...) 

121823 Agnostic Advent: Myth #18: "My journey is the same as other agnostics or atheists."

I want to be the kind of Post-Christian who can still listen to a Christian apologist conversation without vomiting. I actually found one that didn't make me want to hurl and the content of the interview lines up with today's myth.

Why do Christians Abandon their Faith? (And what we can do about it.) with Sean Mcdowell and Dr. John Marriot.

Sean Mcdowell interviewed Dr. John Marriot who wrote a book called "The Anatomy of Deconversion" (I tried finding it in my iBooks and it didn't come up... oh well... I might be tempted to read the book had I access to it on my go-to source for reading.)

The book is one Christian author writing on the "phenomenon" of the rise of atheism. I listened to the interview and was actually somewhat impressed at Marriot's approach. It seemed like he actually involved atheists in his research. He seemed to value and point out that there were individuals in this story of deconversion and different reasons why people leave.

I know it is a hard mountain to climb for Christians to be okay with people moving on from Christianity. The premise of the belief system is that everyone on the planet needs Jesus. So as a Christian, John Marriott would need to provide answers to this rise of deconverted Christians and a solution to fix what he and other Christians see as a problem. I don't think he could let them go. There has to be an answer to bring people back into the fold or keep the ones on the verge of leaving from actually walking out the door.

I don't think anyone can read a book by anyone to find out what happened to me. The answers to why I left Christianity, after being a part of it for most of my life, can only be found in my story, not some author's analysis of me as part of a demographic or personality type. That being said, I would be interested in what John Marriott has to say, because it's his voice some Christians would listen to rather than mine or other agnostics or atheists. Maybe his book is worth a read some day.

I will end this post with the comment I left on on Sean's Youtube video. )

"I actually enjoyed this interview. John seems interested in listening to individual stories. I want to emphasize that each story is different and having a cookie cutter approach to deconversion isn't helpful for anyone. My advice to Christians who have family and friends who have deconverted - find common ground in your shared humanity. I know it is going to be challenging as you have been immersed in a belief system that doesn't allow for others to be okay with their own path in life. I hope humans "evolve" to the point that being right comes a far second to being loving. I long for a planet that finds beauty in different expressions of faith, instead of the idea that the whole planet needs one way up the mountain. It may never happen, but I hope families can start doing it within families regardless of their religious dogma and doctrine."

* * *

One more podcast to share with you. I did some digging on the internet looking for an actual interview that John Marriott did with an actual atheist and I found an interview from three years ago that David from "The Graceful Atheist" did with him. I just listened to that one. Here's the link to that interview.

"The Graceful Atheist": John Marriott: A Recipe for Disaster."

"It's never one reason why people lose their faith." Dr John Marriott on "The Graceful Atheist" podcast.

(written December 18, 2023)

121723 Agnostic Advent: Myth #17: "I understand science now that I don't have theology as a narrative."

 Physics, Chemistry and Biology were not classes I fared well in High School.  Let's see what I can remember from three years of these three classes from a Saskatchewan Lutheran boarding school.  

 - the assignment was to drop an raw egg, and however you wanted to package that egg, off the third floor fire escape of the girls dorm and it was to remain intact at the bottom.  (Physics) 

 - Dissecting a rabbit that one of our classmates killed.  This was not a class assignment, but a voluntary after-class exercise...  I was the only girl who showed up to the lab with about four other boys.  (Biology) 

 - Our Sciences teacher blowing things up ... to entertain us, more than educate us.  (Chemistry) 

I didn't have much interest in pursuing Science because I wasn't asking any questions that Science could have answered for me.  I don't remember in all of my education needing answers to things that were already provided for me in an "Omni-Everything God".  

I'm in my fifties now with less interest in periodic tables, sound waves or molecular structure.  Some might figure that since "God" isn't the answer source for me anymore that I now have to go find answers in science.  I do enjoy a good Youtube video that deals in some of the rhetoric of science, but more often than not, if the conversations don't include Ricky Gervais, Stephen Fry or Tim Minchin, I am hard pressed to hang in there for long.  

I find beauty and amazement in the stars.  I can get lost in the magnificence of a visible galaxy in the night sky at my Mom's farm.  I feel drawn into light in the darkness without needing to know how many stars there are, how old they are and how far away they are.  Those details aren't important in that moment.  

I collect rocks.  I understand they are much older than I am, but I don't need to know how old to connect and feel grounded to the earth that sustains me.  I invite them into my garden as beauty and a reminder that are like distant cousins, maybe coming from the same stardust I am told I come from.  

I am a gardener, a lover of flowers.  I can't tell you the details of the process of photosynthesis, like I was expected to know back in grade school.  But I breathe in the oxygen the plants provide for me and I express my gratitude to them in poetry and care for their wellbeing.  

I'm making up my own stories now as writers and poets often do.  I don't find the need to impress them on others or explain why they inspire me.  I just let things speak to me in my own time and space and, for me, that is enough.  

I can enjoy ancient stories and myths, but they don't define me anymore.  I can enjoy the wonder found in scientific facts, but I have no need to understand them or promote them beyond simple inquiry.  I can drive my truck and be okay not knowing how to fix it when it breaks, because there are other people who do. 

(written December 17, 2023) 

121623 Agnostic Advent: Myth #16 "It's all about me now."

I am in the middle of a decision this morning that will prove one way or another if this statement is a myth or actually possibly true.  

I got an email from someone I knew from the community where I grew up.  She was a few years older than me, so I don't remember her from school, but she knew my sister. She found out from a common friend about my sister's death, and she emailed me to share her thoughts and condolences.  The last email reply that she sent me was a response to what I said about Christmas being hard again…

* * * 

Helen: "I'm so sorry. I know that having loved ones gone is tough. I'm thankful that I didn't lose my parents at a tender age. As it was, I enjoyed many years with my parents. I pray that the many wonderful memories will comfort you until you meet your Dad in heaven.  Hugs to you too"  

(Maybe the "again" part of my response had her thinking of my Dad who died sixteen years ago.  I wrote a response to her email this morning on my iPhone before I got out of bed.  I didn't send the email… I saved it in my Draft folder.  This was my response.)  

Ruby: "Thank you… 

I was 39 when Dad died. He was 75. So maybe he had a  long enough life. I don’t think he would have done old well.  

As for “heaven”… I tell people that I miss my family here. Projecting another existence beyond this one in order to ease the pain of my losses in this life… that isn’t me anymore. I have no clue what happens after my last breath. I can understand the desire to imagine a reconnection with the ones that have died before us, but for me I am okay to embrace the pain of the loss in the only life that I am confident that I have. 

I feel free at times to talk to my dad, my nephew and my sister now as a way to navigate my grief.   I am not going to claim any response back from them as reality.. I just spend time in a space with them when I miss them and want to feel their presence. For me that works better than imagining an afterlife. 

Maybe none of this reflects the belief system I was raised with or the different systems I believed as an adult, but it is what I have now that makes sense to me.  My life is here now and my passion is to love the people I have here now. 

Thank you Helen."  

* * * 

I guess the next day or few days will tell me if "it is about me".  Will I send this reply back to Helen?  Will I risk upsetting her apple cart when I'm not even someone who she is in regular communication with? What can one skeptical reply do to her when I'm not around to pick up any pieces.  Maybe I just need to leave the email at "Thank you". Maybe it's enough to just share my response here in my blog understanding that she will probably never read what I write here.  For now… it's still in my draft folder.  Maybe "I'm overthinking it."… but I will deal with that myth in a few days.  It's coming up on December 20.  Maybe by then, I will be able to tell you what I did with this email response.  Is it about me?  More often than not, I would say no.  Time will tell on this one.  Stay tuned to here more on December 20.  

(written December 16, 2023) 

121523 Agnostic Advent Myth #15: I blamed “God” for the deaths in my family.

I can understand if the perception from Christians to those leaving Christianity is that we blame "God" for our pain, tragedy, loss and hard times.  I look back at the significant losses, starting with my maternal grandmother's cancer and death when I was seven years old… right up to my sister's tragic motorcycle accident this past July.  I don't ever remember seeing "God" as the main cause for the loss.  I don't ever remember railing at the Creator of the Cosmos about being responsible for my losses when I was communicating verbally with that "Creator".   I never looked farther than the human elements in each loss.  

I can credit my parents for passing along a very human journey of loss.  As connected as they both were to their faith, I don't remember them every indicating that they blamed "God" for their losses.  Maybe that is why I grew up without the whole hell narrative being a focus.  My parents didn't know "God's" bad side, or at least the didn't show it to my sister and I.  

Loss, Grief, Trauma, Pain, Sadness… have all been very human experiences for me.  I don't see much change post-Jesus in how I processed my losses.  When I was talking to "God,  I don't remember asking "him" to spare me from pain either.  I guess I felt like if other humans went through hard times, I wasn't going to ask for a free pass out it.  

I am part of a world that knows pain.  I have no answers or understanding as to the whys and wherefores of pain, but it exists and I deal with it when it comes my way.  I don't need to wish it away or even find rainbows after the thunderstorms.  I just need to walk through the losses and keep breathing as long as I can, because at least two people need me to breathe right now.  

(written December 15, 2023) 

121423 Agnostic Advent: Myth #14 "Not going to church caused this."

A book that was transformational in my deconversion journey was the team effort of Tony Campolo and Bart Campolo -  "Why I left, Why I stayed."  I read it the first time as still technically a Christian, then picked it up again after letting go of Jesus.  I was able to see this struggle in Tony and all the reasons he felt that Bart couldn't stay a Christian.  One that stuck with me was that he attributed Bart's lack of commitment to a local church as being one of the big reasons that Bart couldn't keep his faith.  I looked at that chapter again and one quote stood out.  

 "Sometimes I wonder if my own faith would have held up as long as my son’s had I been in his place." TC

That is the big takeaway for me.  Had my Mom been in my place, I wonder how her faith would have sustained itself.  She was around a lot of stuff, but managed to maintain a trust in the system, where as I didn't.  But leaving the institution wasn't the same departure as my exit from a relationship with Jesus.  That came over a decade later.  Maybe being in church, and all the colours of that experience I was exposed to, had more to do with influencing my departure than leaving it.  

Not going to church allowed me to find a connection with "Jesus" not clouded by all the politics and doctrine and denominational differences.  For over ten years, I was able to find that connection that I didn't all those years in the institution.  Not going to church got me closer to "Jesus" initially.  It wasn't until I started reading and listening to people who had already ventured outside the box that I started questioning who "Jesus" was.  It was exposure to the narratives outside the Christian bubble that had more impact in my leaving, than me "not going to church."  

In the book, Tony Campolo was big on the need to maintain the community to maintain faith.  I had a big problem with that.  It didn't cement in my mind that the narrative would be true, if I had only stayed with the rest of the "sheep". (Jesus' label for his followers, not mine).  

A lot of people miss "church" when they leave or are exited from the community.  I don't think I missed much of church.  I spend most of my church experience trying to find connection with people and a little entertainment on the side.   Church as a whole was boring for me.  I enjoyed being around people, but not sitting in a pew staring at the back of someone's head for an hour.  My enjoyment from church community didn't happen during the services.  

No, church didn't "cause this".  Church only prolonged the inevitable exit.  

(written December 14, 2023) 

121323 Agnostic Advent Myth #13: "I know myself fully know."

I don't think I really need to elaborate on this one.  I keep saying life is a journey... a movement. Yesterday I had a discussion with someone and brought up the idea of "Life is a dance."  That comes from Bart Campolo's son Roman who didn't like the idea of looking at life as journey.  Journeys to him indicated a destination and life (Post-Christian understanding) isn't about a destination.  So maybe life is more like a dance than a journey.  There is no destination but the end, and even then it is really the end of us?  Can we not somehow go on in people's memories, in the legacies we leave behind?  

So if my conclusion is that life is a movement, how will I ever know myself fully.  So much of the movement of life contributes to who I am.  The me of twenty years ago would never have foreseen the me of today.  I have no idea who I will be in twenty years from now if I am given twenty more years.  How can I know myself fully if I still have some of me yet to discover as the years roll by.  

This is the most beautiful part of life.  I am not needing to land anywhere.  Life is a dance.  Constantly changing, moving and most importantly... with a partner.  I don't do this dance alone.  

(My use of the word "partner" being a metaphor for doing life with people.) 

If I can rest in the understanding that life moves and my life moves, maybe I won't be so hung up on what others think of me and my journey.   I will end with one of my favourite pictures of life's movement.  

"Normally people will follow the path that rises from the plains of their own civilization;  those who circle the mountain, trying to bring others around to their paths, are not climbing." (Huston Smith  - The World's Religions) 

121223 Agnostic Advent Myth #12 "The way I see things now is the way I will see things always."

I’m on a journey, not at a destination. Some things I like about where I am and some things could do with a change. 

One thing I hope to see a change in is my label. 

I would like a better label than something that tells me what I am not. I would like a label that come close to what I am, yet not close enough to negate the need for further conversation. Maybe that would be a label that would invite conversation. 

I still don’t like the idea of needing labels. However there is not a way to get around the common use of labels. Maybe I can find something that is more of my choosing and less imposed on me by others. 

I just wrote a couple days ago how I was okay with the Agnostic-Atheist label, but it does define what I am not… not what I am. Maybe because it’s easier to figure out what I am not by a process of elimination. To discover who I am… well... that is the journey. 

(written December 12, 2023) 

121123 Agnostic Advent: Myth #11 " Atheist = Anti-theist. I want the end of religion."

This one is a hard one for me to summarize adequately… so I need to listen to some Bart Campolo first, as he is always an inspiration for me for a different kind of secularism.  

***

I'm back and I want to share an interview that helped me with this subject.   Bart Campolo's interview on the podcast "Flawed Theology"

I value Bart's perspective on relationships with Christians.  He has no interest in deconverting Christians. And even sometimes tries to help struggling Christians to hang on to their faith.  I like that approach.  

I have no desire to take anyone's faith away from them if it works for them and helps to make them a beautiful and better human being.  It does cause some awkwardness for me right now because I am still learning how to navigate authentic space with my people while still trying to respect them.  

To wish away religion of all kinds is to wish away a lot of beautiful things that religious people have created.  To wish away religion is to empty people of their communities.  To wish away religion or spirituality is to take the last remaining hope and presence for a lot of people that helps them get through the darkness of life.  

I won't be the one championing the cause for the end of religion.  I will be the one who hopes for finding a space we call all share that looks a lot like love.  

(written December 11, 2023) 

121023 Agnostic Advent: Myth #10: "Agnostic = Atheist = Humanist"

I think the best way for me to use labels like agnostic, atheist or humanist, is to follow them up with how I relate to them, not just how Wikipedia defines them. 

Agnostic- I have no certain knowledge of how the cosmos started. All I have is what others have passed along to me.  I understand there are other people that have had and still have access to more knowledge about the cosmos.  Maybe what they "know" makes sense to me.  But it is still not something I know, it will only be something I can accept… as a belief.  

Belief is what I do because I don't know.  On it's own as a label, it only defines something that I don't have… a specific kind or amount of knowledge.  

Atheist: Gods ( whether Greek, Roman. Hindu or deities any of the three major monotheistic religions) are man made ideas that were birthed in the creative minds of people a long time ago who needed an answer to the reason for their existence.  Gods require worship, sacrifice and blind obedience. There may be a good psychological reason that early humans fashioned their Gods to be domineering slave masters. Maybe it was low self esteem. I'm not sure. 

If the cosmos was started by something or someone, I can’t imagine it as small as characters in the ancient mythology stories we have. Definitely I also can’t imagine it as juvenile as the "God" portrayed in the Bible. With access to timeless creativity and imagination, couldn’t we have done better? 

I don't believe in, substantiate, give credence to, find life in … manmade gods.  A-Theism…a lack of belief or life found in a god or gods.   Like I mentioned in my last post… it does not mean that I can't find possibility in something that began everything.  I just have a very different idea of what that something might be.   

Humanist: I am challenged with this label. I understand that it gives a better lens to look through. Our world is very human focused. But does this label allow for a place of all of nature to have a voice even though we can’t understand its words? How can I call myself a humanist when I see value in all expressions of life? I would hope that the disposal of the gods isn’t followed by making gods out of humans. Oh… that's already happened.  

I am not yet ready to label myself a humanist.  To me, the label doesn't embrace the whole.  So I leave to call myself agnostic-atheist at this moment of my journey.  Someone who doesn't know how the cosmos started, doesn't find life in the ancient man-made gods, but still now tries to find love and beauty in the life I have with the people and nature around me. 

(written December 10, 2023) 

120923 Agnostic Advent: Myth #9: "No Jesus means no Creator"

This has to be one of the biggest bones of contention I have with others who have been privy to my story as of late.  I understand that Christianity lumps Jesus and Creator into one. When I told a Christian friend that I couldn't navigate the Jesus story as "truth" or factual for me, he jumped right away to the evidence of a creator of the cosmos.  In his understanding, the two are married.  At that point, I hadn't even crossed the Creator bridge yet.  I was just dealing with the messiness of the Jesus narrative.  

In my head, Jesus and Creator are two different journeys.  The Jesus character is two thousand years old, the Creator character is supposed to be over seventeen billion years old or timeless.  That alone tells me that we are dealing with two different stories.  Two different stories require two different journeys to navigate.   

I have multiple blogs where I share the  process of  both journeys.  I may have come to some peace seeing Jesus as a legendary story that Christians have changed and divided so much over the last two millennia.  I am still pretty agnostic about the beginning of the cosmos, and to me, that is where Creator still is.  Creator, for me,  is nothing like the God of the Christian Bible.  Creator, for me, isn't an entity that I talk to on a regular basis.  Creator is the beginning, whatever that beginning looked like.  I don't know, I wasn't there.  

I will go into the science dilemma more on December 17.  For now, I will share some of my blog posts from four different blogs about some of my thoughts about Creator.   It is an ongoing journey of understanding, but never really coming to a conclusion.  Just the conclusion that it's not about Jesus anymore.  

Agnostic Closet: In my own story (January 9, 2022) 

Ruby Gets Real: "Narnia is born in "THE MAGICIAN'S NEPHEW" by C.S.Lewis  (June 25, 2022) 

Precious Poetry: Ikimpa Umwuka ( July 13, 2022) 

Authentic Lent: Day 17: One Can't Create (March 10, 2023)

(Written December 9, 2023) 

120823 Agnostic Advent: Myth #8 "Labels define me with accuracy."

Soup cans need labels so people can know what is inside.  But does the same principle apply to how we see other people?  Good question.  I often say that the soup doesn't need the label, because the soup knows what it is.  But there is this thing called the can that prevents anyone else from seeing what the soup is.  Thus the need for a label.  So using this analogy for humans, what is the can?  Is it our projected self that others see before they actually get to know us.  Is it other's perception of us based on first contact?  Whatever that can is, it prevents others from seeing who we are at our core.  It prevents them from seeing the soup that is us.  

I think we need labels for others when we don’t take the time to listen to their story. Maybe we also need labels for ourselves when we don’t believe our story will be listened to.  But how can any human being  be adequately summed up by a label. When what they really need is to be understood within their story. 

I don't mind some labels that may very well define me by my relationships or personality.  I am my husband's wife, I am my mother's daughter.  I even don't mind the label given me by the  Enneagram… Four.  And then for those who understand the Enneagram I can go into more detail.  I am a Social Four Wing Five.  But does that even define my total self?  Probably not.  Because there are others in this world with the same  label that may be different in a lot of ways from me.  So maybe then the answer is a combination of labels to narrow down the focus.  That can get exhausting.  

So what is the goal of labelling myself if the labels are insufficient to define me.  The risk is great that a label will lump me into a category that doesn't paint the whole picture of who is me.  It's why when I try to tell people what is going on with me, I try to steer clear of labels that they may not understand.  

In the next few days, I will address some labels in detail and how I relate to them.  But for now, I will leave you with this thought that came to me early this morning.    

"Words have the capacity to shape my story and limit my story." 

(written December 8, 2023)