A book that was transformational in my deconversion journey was the team effort of Tony Campolo and Bart Campolo - "Why I left, Why I stayed." I read it the first time as still technically a Christian, then picked it up again after letting go of Jesus. I was able to see this struggle in Tony and all the reasons he felt that Bart couldn't stay a Christian. One that stuck with me was that he attributed Bart's lack of commitment to a local church as being one of the big reasons that Bart couldn't keep his faith. I looked at that chapter again and one quote stood out.
"Sometimes I wonder if my own faith would have held up as long as my son’s had I been in his place." TC
That is the big takeaway for me. Had my Mom been in my place, I wonder how her faith would have sustained itself. She was around a lot of stuff, but managed to maintain a trust in the system, where as I didn't. But leaving the institution wasn't the same departure as my exit from a relationship with Jesus. That came over a decade later. Maybe being in church, and all the colours of that experience I was exposed to, had more to do with influencing my departure than leaving it.
Not going to church allowed me to find a connection with "Jesus" not clouded by all the politics and doctrine and denominational differences. For over ten years, I was able to find that connection that I didn't all those years in the institution. Not going to church got me closer to "Jesus" initially. It wasn't until I started reading and listening to people who had already ventured outside the box that I started questioning who "Jesus" was. It was exposure to the narratives outside the Christian bubble that had more impact in my leaving, than me "not going to church."
In the book, Tony Campolo was big on the need to maintain the community to maintain faith. I had a big problem with that. It didn't cement in my mind that the narrative would be true, if I had only stayed with the rest of the "sheep". (Jesus' label for his followers, not mine).
A lot of people miss "church" when they leave or are exited from the community. I don't think I missed much of church. I spend most of my church experience trying to find connection with people and a little entertainment on the side. Church as a whole was boring for me. I enjoyed being around people, but not sitting in a pew staring at the back of someone's head for an hour. My enjoyment from church community didn't happen during the services.
No, church didn't "cause this". Church only prolonged the inevitable exit.
(written December 14, 2023)
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