Losing my Christianity started with the loss of the idea that Christianity was about community. I learned early on in life that Christianity was all about the label on the marquis sign out front. After that, the slide was slow, but as I look back, there were a lot of disappointments swirling around in my head. My parents were definitely more interested in church than I was, but because they were feeding me and keeping a roof over my head, I went where they went.
When the beliefs started to go, I noticed most of them more in the rear view mirror as carnage than I noticed them crashing into my front bumper.
Afterlife: I don't remember when I let go of Heaven and Hell. I did remember asking some friends once a few years back if they believed Heaven was an actual real place. Maybe that was the turning point. Maybe Heaven was more of a metaphor at that time. But for sure, letting go of eternal torment meant that I got to let of eternal bliss. Both had their baggage, and looking back, I don't really think I focused hard on either one in my life. I think Earth held enough magnificence for me that I didn't need to wish it away for an afterlife.
Prayer: The first thing to go was my need to drop coins in a "Divine vending machine". I stopped asking "God" for stuff. Then I remember praying in English was next to go. I still prayed in "tongues" and was happy with that for a while. I felt myself connecting with Creator without needing words. I had already let go of the need to ask for stuff from "God", but I still wanted to connect somehow. Now I sometimes talk to my dead family members, or the moon and stars and find just as much peace in that as I ever did with praying to "Jesus" or "God". Maybe it was about my need to voice my thoughts and concerns, more than it was about who I was voicing them too.
Divine Intervention: I think that died when Dad died or when my nephew Ben died, not sure. But maybe it was already not as real for me as my religious environment would have liked. I had hope that "God" would intervene, and then when things happened, I gave "God" the credit, like a good Christian does. Family deaths (in my case, cancer and auto accidents) had a way of reminding me that I was not in control, and increased the level of doubt that a benevolent "God" was there to make the pain go away. It became easier to just attribute the nature of the deaths to the person and circumstances involved.
Jesus: I officially buried Jesus on Good Friday in 2022. But the day I discovered he was already dead and that I didn't believe in the actual Resurrection… that day I don't know. I know that Easter lost it's magic for me years ago.
Burying Jesus was a result of walking through "Atheism for Lent" and listening to voices from people that were also dead. I didn't know then that I would probably leave "Jesus" buried, I just knew I needed to leave him in the ground for more than two days. I understood the need to grieve the loss of someone I was told, and maybe even really believed, had been alive for me for most of my life. My need to find connection to Creator in my own timeline was the overwhelming evidence that holding on to a 2000 year old Jewish man was no longer necessary.
Creator: This one has been more redefined, than let go of. I'll be as honest as I can. I don't doubt that some of the reason for hanging on to the language of "Creator" has some to do with my family. Letting go of Jesus was heartbreaking for my Mother, but my husband told her that "We just have a different label." My husband has a connection to "Creator" without Jesus or the 2000 year old narrative. I admire that. It was never possible in the circles I travelled for so many decades. "God" always required church. But my husband has something I still see as special. I don't know if I always track with him on the details, but I like his simple trust.
I am as far away from understanding the Cosmos from a scientific perspective as I am from embracing it from a theological perspective. Both are things that require belief for me. I may like the science stories better now, but they are still stories and I have no soap box I can stand on to convince myself or anyone else what really is "Truth". I did go into more detail on December 9th blog post that "No Jesus means No Creator".
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I hear this journey described as "the death of a thousand cuts". I can understand that. I also understand that words are inadequate to paint the whole picture of this journey, so please don't hold me to the whole of who I am, based on how I try to describe me and my journey in English words.
(written December 22, 2023)
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