What if life was better lived in two worlds. What if I didn't need to work so hard to out myself to everyone. What if all that mattered was being with people and sharing what we had in common. Maybe love will fill in the cracks on its own. Maybe what I have with them is enough. I'm not missing the few who really see inside the cracks that I don't think I am trying to hide. I'm just not outing myself like I have a platform to protect. I am not pretending. I don't join in with the meal prayers. I don't add the caveats to my letters or greetings the say "God bless you".
Sometimes, when the issue of death comes up, I will say something like "I'm going to get cremated and my ashes put in a river, so the water will carry me away." or " When my particles are out connecting with the universe." I make no references to an afterlife in "Heaven". Maybe it's obvious to others, but most just don't bring up the obvious. Maybe I can be whole like this.
I have tried outing myself to some precious few and it seems that heartache is all that I leave behind. I may well admire the public voices of like those of Richard Dawkins, Sam Harris, Bart Campolo and Bart Ehrman. But do I have to follow in their footsteps?
(Written June 29, 2023)
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