122921 Mushrooms and Wildflowers

I grew up feeling redundant, unnecessary which lead to feeling unwanted. I was the second daughter of two girls. I remember feeling like I was supposed to be the boy. God had made a mistake in creating me a girl. My parents already had one. 

I worshiped my sister. In my eyes she was perfect. But it wasn’t so much a realization that I wanted to be like her... I realized that I never could be her. I would never be the first. I felt I would never matter for who I was in my core; I had to be someone that she wasn’t. But my first early understanding was that she had everything. Brains, Athleticism and Music.  Those were the big three that seemed to encompass everything that needed to matter. There was nothing left for me. 

The icing on the cake. My sister had my parent’s trust.  If I didn’t stand a chance at competing at the first three... I would “never” compete for the thing that mattered the most. Instead of trying to compete, I never entered the race. I didn’t try to earn my parents trust... maybe I did more to prevent it. 

Some people saw from the outside and called it “living in my sister’s shadow”. If that was the case, one can’t grow on her own living in the shadow of anything. Maybe I never saw light that was there to help me grow.  Maybe it explains my attraction to flowers as a kid and my disdain for mushrooms. Maybe  I longed to be a wild flower, but I felt more like a mushroom. I remember mushrooms on the farm. But I don’t remember them as beautiful, the beautiful was only found in the flowers. And then I found more admiration for the wild flowers than the manicured garden of my grandmother. The wildflowers were accessible and abundant. I could pick them and put them on my Mom’s table. I got in trouble for picking flowers in my Oma’s garden. 

Mushrooms had one purpose... to be eaten. Wild Flowers were beautiful and meant to be enjoyed and admired... not consumed.  But in my family... I don’t remember eating mushrooms. So maybe that also helped solidify the feeling that I was unwanted. What I saw myself as, wasn’t valued at all. 

I like mushrooms now. I am learning to find value in them. When my husband makes them they are tasty and he tells me they are healthy.  My husband also told me that I mattered.  

He finds value in mushrooms and me... that is good. 

Now I think I will look for the beauty in mushrooms and maybe then I believe that I can find beauty in me. 

Old name. Shadowed mushroom 

New Name. Wild flower

(Written December 29, 2021)