I still still see the pain in her eyes and hear the anguish in her voice. The "How" question still torments her. How can I grieve my loss without Jesus, without God? The very core of her being, the lifeline that she clings to is the very thing I let go of. How can I navigate this most painful time without the one that holds her up every moment of her day?
It's a strange question and a stranger response.
"I will find a way, Mama. But it will be my way, not yours… and we will both be okay."
As I write this, today is the day of my older sister's funeral. There was only two of us. She is dead now and I am left to ponder what being "an only child" means as I go forward. My mother wants to know how I will go forward now that I have left the faith that she still holds so dear. I don't have a good answer that will soothe her at this time. She knows no other way to navigate the loss of her daughter and my sister than with Jesus. That's the same Jesus that I buried on Good Friday of last year, and didn't bring back to life.
I want to help her find peace and not just for her journey, but for my journey. I want her to rest from the anxious understanding that I am lost in some vortex of grief with no compass or guide through my loss. I want her to walk beside me as she cries and I cry. I want to embrace her as we laugh together when the amusing memories come to mind. This is not a journey I intend to walk alone, just because I'm not walking with her God anymore.
What if I can start drawing the map. Maybe this year, I can show her that there is a way for me to "Grieve without God". She doesn't need the map herself, but maybe if I can show her what that looks like for me, she will rest.
(written July 31, 2023)
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