051624 The last cross to go down

As I write this I am laying in my bed and looking at the last cross that still hangs in my house.  It's been a few years since I started purging my walls and book shelves of the remnants of my Christianity.  But one cross still remains on my wall.  It bears no resemblance to the crude wooden beams that it is suppose to represent.  Those crude wooden beams  tortured and displayed Jewish insurgents who defied the Roman government around two thousand years ago.  This cross is made of white glass with two gold coloured circles entwined underneath the horizontal piece.  It's a stained glass piece of art that was given to my husband and I when we got married fifteen years ago by the pastor that married us.  

It's not the only gift we got from that pastor and his wife.  There are spruce trees in our yard that remind us just how long we've been married.  They were mere saplings when they were given to us fifteen years ago.   We call them "the wedding trees".  They are alive and change with each year and remind us more of our married life than that piece of glass that still hangs on our wall.  

Why haven't I taken it down yet?  The cross holds no meaning for me or even my theist husband.  He has no need for cross to connect with "Creator".  He needs no "middle man".  I have no need of a cross to remind me of a Jesus who I buried on Good Friday over two years ago, and then didn't resurrect him.  We have no need to display it to show our appreciation to the gift givers, because in fifteen years they have never come to visit us.  So why is it still hanging in a prominent place in our house?   

What about the wedding rings that are interconnected with each other.  Do they still hold meaning?  The only rings that hold meaning for us are the ones on our fingers.  They were given to us by my mother.  My husband wears my Dad's wedding ring and I am wearing my Opa's wedding ring.  When we got married, there was already over 100 years of marriage represented by those rings.  They are simple gold bands and can't be more precious to both my husband and myself.  

So why don't I take the cross down?  I guess to ask that question, I also need to ask if it reminds me of something else.  

When my husband and I were planning our wedding, we didn't have a church connection.  When it came to who would officiate at our wedding, there was no easy selection to make.  It wasn't until I was at a gathering with my mother that I told a former classmate of hers and long time friend of our family that I was getting married.  He seemed excited.  

"Can we come?" He asked

"Can you marry us?"  I replied

He said he was honoured.  I felt somewhat embarrased at that moment.  I had not been a card carrying Lutheran for decades and he said he was honoured to do my wedding.  He even invited my husband and I to join him and his wife for a month of meals at their house to get to know us as a couple.  They call that pre-marital counselling... but we were both in our forties, so it had a slight different emphasis.  

His wife tried out new recipes on us and it was an enjoyable experience.  I looked forward to our Tuesday double date nights.  

I imagine now what it took for him to make that cross.  He had dabbled in stained glass art for a long time.  It is a meticulous time consuming art form and is not made without a lot of effort and skill.  He spend hours making that cross and rings for us to give us on our wedding day.  He gave us his quality time, and for me that equals love.  

Maybe that is why that cross still hangs on my wall.  I don't see it as a symbol of anything else but the love of a friend who gave my husband and I his time.  And to me, time is the greatest gift of love.  Maybe one day I will take that cross down, and then it will be the last cross to go down.  But it doesn't have to come down today.  

(written May 16, 2024) 

051424 Mother's Day and what I really saw in church service that morning.

May 12, 2024 was the first Mother's Day since my sister died, so I wanted to do something special for my Mom.  This year marks seventy years since my mother graduated from high school, so I took her on a road trip to Saskatchewan and we ended up at our small town high school for Mother's Day and Graduation.  Graduation at the boarding school we both attended has always landed on Mother's Day.  I thought it would be special for her.  

We did take in the evening grand march and talent show that had it's own issues, but that's not what I want to write about.  The following morning... Mother's Day morning... Mom and I attended the 10:30 service in the school gymnasium.  I wondered how I would navigate the religious triggers.  But thanks to a crappy sound system and a less than enthusiastic audience... that wasn't a problem.   I spent most of the service looking at the people trying to figure out if they were enjoying themselves.  I have to report that my perception of the crowd left a lot to be desired.  Maybe it was my fourteen years in the Pentecostal world that had me thinking that Jesus people "should" be more exited about Jesus, but there didn't seem to be much enthusiasm.  For the most part. 90% to 95% of the crowd looked as bored as I was.  The grad class was situated on the stage and it was not a pretty sight.  I watched them when the hymns were being sung... and a few lips were moving, but not many.  I watched them when the prayers were being recited and a few lips were moving but not many and there were more eyes opened than closed.  If their lips were moving, it was easy to see that they were just going through the motions.  But for the most part... most of them looked as bored as I was.  

One of the graduates had a big and long poofy grad dress adorned with running shoes and was significantly slouched for most of the service.  She held the front and centre row position.  Can't say that looked very "ladylike".  She didn't give me the impression that she wanted to be there either.  

I only had it out with one woman that day about what I saw.  She had the job of reciting one of the scripture passages that morning, like her mom did at our graduation in 1987.  That woman was a former classmate and  the valedictorian at our graduation.  I mentioned to my friend of almost 40 years that if Jesus is who Christians say he is... one would think there would be more enthusiasm in a church service.  Why was I only witnessing such boredom.  Was that all they had to offer as an invitation to me?  Could they blame me for not wanting that in my life?  If they were trying to encourage this agnostic atheist alumni... they really sucked at the job.  My friend mentioned... that was my perception.  I guess so.  It is what I saw, even if no one else did.  

But I didn't go there to be encouraged or entertained.  I went there to give my Mom a special Mother's Day... and she had one.  She didn't notice the bored grads or the crappy sound system.  So maybe it wasn't a big loss.  

Was I actually amazed at just how many rose-coloured glasses were being worn that morning.  Maybe.  Was I really the only one who saw the Mother's Day monotony?  I guess so.  I took those glasses off years ago.  

(written May 14, 2024) 

050224 Giving them "God"

 Sometime love means supporting the fantasies of those you love.   Our parents gave us Santa Claus, Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy... we, in return, get to give them "God".  

(written May 2, 2024) 

050124 The devil went with it.

I had a thought this morning... "If you are going to get rid of the demons, you need to get rid of the god" It's really one coin. I don't know how one can get rid of the evil supernatural and keep the good supernatural. They seem entwined... like the same coin... two faces, but one package. When I let go of "God".... the devil went with it.

(written May 1, 2024) 

123123 My Philosophy for the End of the Year

"I wish you love, joy, hope and peace as you enter 2024" (CM) 

Here’s to a better year than this one. Isn’t that what Hope is?  That the next year can improve on the next.  

As for peace.  Peace is found when I dwell in the moment.  Peace, for me,  isn’t in missing the past, or wondering and stressing about the future.  I find peace in the moment when the past and future don’t intrude in my thoughts.  

Joy… Maybe Joy is a gathering of all three… past present and future.  Maybe Joy is about embracing life for everything it has taught me and given me and could yet give me.   Joy is being alive for a blip in time in a universe that doesn’t know I breathe, but yet sustains my very existence.  And all three are wrapped in Love.  I am honoured to Love and be Loved in this short vacation from non-existence.  Love is everything.  It is my breath and my energy to keep breathing.  

There is my philosophy for the last day of the year.

(written December 31, 2023)  

122423 Agnostic Advent: Myth #24: "I have the truth or I am certain I am right."

"Truth is the end of the conversation; truth is the conclusion to the journey." (Ruby Neumann)

* * * 

As much as I admire people's search for ultimate truth, it's not my journey.  I am not the ambassador for finding the "right" way up life's mountain.  That doesn't mean that I prefer dishonesty, deception or delusion... I don't.  I am an Enneagram Four and us Fours love our authenticity.  But as a social Four wing Five, I love something more than my authenticity.  I love my people.  

It is a constant struggle to balance my need for authenticity and my desire to dwell in harmony and love with the people in my life.  I am not saying that I am right how I navigate this struggle.  I don't know if I am right. That is the whole conundrum.  

I had a version of this bible verse go through my head this morning.  

"And if I have prophetic powers and understand all mysteries and all knowledge and if I have all faith so as to remove mountains but do not have love, I am nothing." 1 Cor 13:2  (NRSVUE) 

My concise version of this… "What good is knowing everything and loving nothing." 

Maybe truth matters, but at what cost.  

My favourite Christmas movie is "Miracle on 34th Street" (The second one where Richard Attenborough is Santa).  My favourite line is from Bryan when he is addressing the courtroom in his closing argument.  

"If this court finds that Mr. Kringle is not who he says he is, that there is no Santa, I ask the court to judge which is worse: A lie that draws a smile or a truth that draws a tear."

I don't think even Bryan Bedford has a conclusion to that question.  Which is better?  The answer hangs in the air for most people, especially me.  

It is one thing to sit in one's office and deduce that the world needs to be set straight about the facts of life. It's quite another thing to look in someone's eyes and tell them that everything they hold dear is a myth or a lie.  

I started this post out with a thought I had this morning.  Truth is the end.   Love, however, is in the process and in the journey.  

Back to 1 Corinthians 13 for the conclusion… 

(Wow... here I am quoting the bible for Agnostic Advent! But there is still some good stuff in there...) 

"… AND THE GREATEST OF THESE IS LOVE" 

(written December 24, 2023) 

122323 Agnostic Advent: Myth #23: "I don't value my past in Christianity."

One of my favourite Youtube channels is called "Growing up in Polygamy".  Sam and his wife Melissa are the hosts.  Sam grew up in the FLDS under the leadership of Warren Jeffs.  When asked if he could change his past, Sam said he wouldn't.  He said that his past made him who he was today.  He didn't want his own children to grow up the way he did, but he wasn't going to wish his past away either.  

When I look back at my past, I can't wish it away either.  There are some amazing people I now call friends that I would never have met had I not been raised in the Christian culture I was raised in.  Thinking about those positive experiences, maybe some of them could have happened had I not been exposed to the Christian culture, but they did happen in that culture and I am thankful for them.  

Going forward, I wouldn't encourage the next generation to follow in my past footsteps.  If someone asked me if they had to go to church to have a fulfilled life, I would have to say a definite "No!".  Christianity and the clubs that come with it had some positive influence in my life, but I can't forget the damaging narrative that it came with.  I can't forget the shame that the whole system is built on.  I can't un-know the things I know now about the source of the story.  But all that being said, I am still thankful for the people and some of the experiences I had.  My time in Christianity taught the value of community through good and bad times.  It taught me some very human lessons that, like Sam, made me who I am today.  

(written December 23, 2023)