"I'm not looking for another "thing" to embrace, as much as I am looking to figure out how to swim with the other fish in the ocean and not become them."
(Written July 11, 2024)
Thursday, July 11, 2024
Thursday, July 4, 2024
070424 Words I don't need to share with my mother
A text from my mother after we had an argument about swearing.
"I love you Ruby, That is why it hurts so much."
The reply text I wanted to send her, but deleted.
"I think the reason "it" hurts so much is because I'm your daughter. Love is what you do because it hurts, its not the reason for the pain. Your are the reason I exist. That's a lot of responsibility to carry. I don't know what that's like. I wish I could understand, but I never will."
Maybe a psychological response isn't necessary. Maybe it's okay to let my Mom have the last word... even if I think it needs adjusting.
What hurts my Mom? ... so many things. Maybe the argument about swearing wasn't helpful. I came away with a little more awareness of who my mother is. Maybe I was personally shocked that the word that started it all didn't seem that offensive to me. So I got defensive. I even told her I could make it worse... Like that would help.
I still want to understand if the discomfort with swearing is word related or emotion related. It's been in the back of my mind for a long time. Even with my own discomfort. What makes a jumble of the twenty-six letters of the alphabet so harmful? I could swear in her midst in a foreign language and it probably wouldn't phase her, because those aren't the collection of letters that she was taught were "bad".
"It's okay to use ass to describe a donkey, but not okay to use the same word to describe someone's backside or label someone when they are being a jerk?" I am still confused. But I learned again that it's not a conversation to have with my mother.
Something else came up.
"I wish I could have asked you this stuff when I was five. That is when a mother gets to listen to her child regardless of the questions that child asks. Now that I'm in my fifties, I don't get the freedom to ask anymore."
Now my questions offend, hurt and bring on tears. If I asked them fifty years ago, the emotions wouldn't have been so elevated. Children's questions are easier to sweep under the carpet.
I can surmise all I want about how my mother really thinks, and I may never come close to understanding her. That is the challenge of any relationship I have... not just the one with my mother.
Yesterday was just an example of how my words have hurt Mom. This whole blog is a collection of words that would hurt her. It's why I told her not to read my blogs anymore. They are just more words that will cause her pain... and I don't even have to swear to do that. My honest feelings about how I see the world do more to bring tears than a swear word will.
Maybe it's not my job to normalize certain words in the English language. English is a moving river and changes around every curve it goes. Some move with the river, some park on the shore and want to stay where they are most comfortable. It can make it difficult to communicate at times, but that is the challenge we all face across the spectrum of humanity.
I still think one swear word couldn't have caused as much pain as the anger and the arguing that followed it did. I could have let it go after the one verbal slip that didn't meet with my Mom's approval. But I didn't let it go. I got defensive and didn't want to back down. I admitted yesterday that protecting my family from me is exhausting.
What's my conclusion? Maybe words are better harnessed. Maybe people are better when they are protected? Maybe, as exhausting as it can be, I can save my honest and unbridled words for my blog. It's much like giving the horse a pasture without the saddle and bridle to roam free on it's own for a while. But realizing that for the most part... the bridle and the saddle are a part of that horse's life.
(written on July 4, 2024... Independence Day)
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